I need to step on the bottom of the pit

I am broken. I am worthless sometimes. I just want to die. or live. diying. I just need to rest

I want to stop hurting

to others, and myself

so much awareness and for what?

I dont understand me anymore


I am my very best friend in the universe. I am my worst enemy


I love myself too much. I hurt myself trying to love me

I just wanted to have a happy family. is that really too much to ask?


I thought it wasnt. I thought it was a normal thing to ask for?

I dont understand... why?


why do I have to always end up alone. And by my own hand!?


I dont get it


what I am looking for?


I didnt want to live. I realized this when I was just 7 I think.


It's a lot. I know it is. But I am 33 now... I though... that I learned to live? but it seems... that I didnt.


I only know how to end things.


I sometimes know how to start things.


But I only know how to do it all... do too much. Feel too much, want too much. See too much into the future, project too much. think too much. overthink too much. I know is redundant. That is how it is.


I only know how to do thinks big... exagerated... enourmous... too much.


Is too much.


I am too much. Everything I do or think or feel is too much for everyone.


For my family I was too much. For myself I am too much. For my partener I always were too much, for any of them. For my friends... my few, very few, true friends... I also were too much. Even for my mom... the person who loves me the most besides myself...


I am too much even for myself.


What am I supposed to do?


I. dont. want. to.

I dont whant to live anymore.


Is not like I dont like living, and is not like I want to die. I dont. But... I fell I am not fit for living?


I feel like... I am wrong somehow... all the time. Like I just... I cant get it. I can’t live like all the persons do. I am just not fit for living.


I don’t understand how I made it this far. I think I shouldn’t have. Maybe it was a mistake? maybe I am ment to suffer? In the middle of living such happy and amazing things? I dont get it


I enjoy life, I like it. I make others like it. So... why am I writing this? Why do I find easier to express my most inner self in a languaje that isn’t mine and that I don’t even manage all that well yet? It doesn’t make sense.


Why did I break up with him like that? The others I get it, but whit him? It trully doesn’t make any sense.


Any of it. What am I doing? with my work... with my health... with my house... what the hell am I fucking doing??


I DONT GET IT!


I don’t know what I need anymore. I don’t know what I want anymore. I don’t know what to think or how to live, I don’t... I barely only know how to express myself like this only. Is the only thing that’s left.


I only have this.


My writing...


So... should I write? I could write... all day long. And almost eat. And only sleep. But write. Just write. No more gym. No more walking... no more talking, no more texting, no more people, no more anything. Just me, my bunnies, and write... Only that. And maybe... just maybe... I will begin to understand something again... someday... maybe.

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Hi

 Hi, I am Aras. And this is my messy inner world. I felt I needed to express myself writing since a few years back. But somehow writing for myself only has become ineffective. I need to let it out there in the internet, even if I don't intent for anyone to ever see or read this. I want to publish it. I feel I am going crazy if I don't. So don't expect this blog to hold any value to you ar have any specific purpose, because the only purpouse of the words you are reading right now is to let me express myself. And avoid becoming a truly crazy person. Take care and be kind to yourself. Hola, soy Aras. Y este es mi desordenado mundo interior. Sentí que necesitaba expresarme escribiendo desde hace algunos años. Pero, de alguna manera, escribir solo para mí se ha vuelto ineficaz. Necesito publicarlo en Internet, aunque no tenga la intención de que nadie lo vea o lo lea. Quiero publicarlo. Siento que me volveré loca si no lo hago. Así que no esperes que este blog tenga valor alguno...
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